Christmas-ness

Well I made it through this Christmas without bouncing one single debit card transaction. I have 12 dollars in the bank and rent is due in a week. I'll make it though, always do. Besides, I did pretty well with my gift giving and I'm happy with it.....also happy it's done with though!

Kiddo officially still believes in Santa. She swears she heard something on the roof last night and of course I fed half of the cookies she left out to the dogs so naturally Santa ate them....*cough*....ok ok so maybe I'm letting it go too far, pushing the issue a bit too much for a 10 year old to still believe in Santa....

She was curious as to why he didn't leave her any presents this year....SO WEIRD how ALL the presents are from Mom!!

( Flash back to last year: Kiddo opening the uber amazing dino-robot she wished and hoped for that happened to cost 100 bucks, me watching....pushing three bounced debit cards transactions to the back of my mind....anxiously awaiting the joyful expression on her face when she see's.....

"MOM! this HAS to be from Santa because YOU could NEVER afford it!!")

where was I, oh yes....so Santa left her nothing this year...nadda, zip....nothing but a half eaten oatmeal cookie and some stamping on the roof....and where does that leave me? Basking in the after effects of a day full of "wow, thanks mom"

it was a good christmas :)

Elf Yourself!

Get Elfed at www.elfyourself.com...it's pretty darn cute.
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Well I failed both of my agility tests....just not strong enough, haven't got the stamina it takes....not yet anyway. So it's going to be about another 6 months before I can try again. I wrecked my hand in doing so also...the sledgehammer got the best of me.

Meantime I just took my EMT state test yesterday, so providing I pass, which I'm pretty darn sure I will, then I'll be able to apply around and try to claw my way out of waitressing.

Being the best and most awesome female fire fighter is going to have to wait a bit longer though...*sigh*

Yummy!!

I've found a new love. Starbucks Creme Liquer. Shown here is the not creme version which has cought my fancy almost as much as the creme has.

A touch of one of these decidant delights ....add some irish whiskey and coffee....oooooh boy. I've never enjoyed a drink so much!


I know wht santa's getting me for christmas!

physically challenged

I have one week left before my first agility test.

-I have to move the tire 5 feet with a sledgehammer
-balance myself across a horizontal ladder then lift it and hang it up over my head...pull it back down and place it back on the ground.
-Hand over hand pull a rope with 35 pounds of hose on the end up the equivelant of 4 stories and then carefully lower it back down.
-climb a 25 foot extension ladder leaned up against a building
-climb 4 flights of stairs with 45 pounds of hose on my shoulder then back down
-and drag a 165 pound dummy 100 feet

all in about 10 minutes.

One week left to get myself ready for it.
I had tried to start training several weeks ago and actually have done a fair job compared to the amount of training I did before, which was nothing.

I tried to inlist the boy friend to kick me into gear....in hopes that he would be a hard ass on me because I fail to motivate myself out the door everyday to train.....he's got too much stuff to worry about to have the mental space to be a hardass on me, allthough he gave it quite a go....I should have joined the gym back a few weeks ago when I had a bit of extra cash.....but should haves and could haves aren't any good to me now....

in one week we'll see how well I've done as far as getting myself strong like bull.

I have to do this....I just have to.

I'm deffinatly stronger than I was, so that's a really good thing. I just hope I'm strong enough.

This week I have to be very good to myself and nourish and care for my body extra nicely....AND I have to get stronger without hurting myself....wouldnt be much good at the agility with a pulled muscle or broken elbow.

Snafu

Ex's....they happen, I know....but in my experience with myself I don't handle the presence of them well. Of course I've run into some pretty extreem cases of "the ex" in my time sooooo...ok so it can and has been me that was the extreem part, but I have my dormant jelousy to blame for it. I can hold it at bay only so long before it boils over and gets messy.

So the other evening whilst preparing to enjoy dinner with my super man, he recieved an unexpected phone call from his "pshyco ex" -nicknamed by him not me-. Of course ex's often become pshyco-ex's. Pshyco-ex is an ex girlfriend and not an ex wife by the way...my coping with the ex wife is a whole other thing, it's a non-issue really which is a blessed thing...non-issues are good issues....and the kids have a lot to do with it.....anyway.

He didn't answer the call but she did leave a message insinuating she had something quite important to talk to him about after almost a year of no contact. I hid my rage over the ex-call fairly well I feel...and tried my best to not let it get to me....allthough it did of course. Thoughts of pregnancy kept crossing my mind....for whatever female driven reason, I couldnt stop thinking this had something to do with pregnancy .....so I asked him how long ago he last saw her....did the math in my head....and came to the conclusion that unless she had a 3 month old baby, there was nothing to worry about.

Well this was Tuesday. Today, Friday, while on the phone with 'The Man' he says to me "uh I think pshyco ex just pulled up, lemme call you back"

...
...
...

so of course I threw on my hat and headed for my truck, texting him as I went "let her know she's about to meet me".

My PMSing pshycosis of my own kicked in to full gear and my territorial, primal lioness urges came out of hiding on the 10-15 minute drive to his office. I supressed any violent thoughts and sauntered into the building as collected as I possibly could.

And there she was....full blown cellular division of a female breeder.....pregnant as can be.....HAH! I knew it. After doing the math in my head again to make sure she wasn't going to try and pull a paternity card...all anger subsided and the wide eyed smiling face of my boyfriend mirrored the way I felt inside.

She had come to tell him what a good father he was....well duh ...bitch.

I'm personally convinced she's shopping for a good father, but she's a fool if she thinks she has a chance with the best dad on earth....his kids get to take that prize...not her kid.

So it was anti-climactic for my evil and jelous inner self...which is good...very good....allthough I would have loved the oportunity to say something mean and cut-to-the bone....but really....how satisfyingly mean can one be to a seven month pregnant woman.

on a more positive acomplished note

I did get my application for fire school done and turned in today...that's a really awesome thing! I did it on my own and it's done and it brings me THAT much closer to being a fire fighter and never having to serve the hungry again!

frustrated

I'm so freakin frustrated feeling I just want to slap myself!!

There's no real reason for me to be feeling this way other than the standard PMS and general hatred of my job.

I wish there were someway I could pay for fire school and not work while I get learned....but there isn't. This is going to drag out so painfully...I'm really dreading it instead of looking forward to it like I should be. If I could figure out how to not work for six months while I go to school things would be so much easier.

But I guess it's not about taking the easy route is it. I mean I did it for EMT school why not fire school right? Blah, it sucked for EMT school too...and fire school is going to be more of a physical challenge.

Even if I could work less for 6 months....I'm so sick of being a waitress I could puke. I've come so close to begging my boyfriend to consolidate our efforts and co-habitate, but he's not ready for that and realistically I suppose I'm not either, but when I think of two rent payments, 2 of every bill and how we're both hovering above poverty and taunting it with a pointed stick....well, it makes sense....but I suppose making sense isn't what co-habitation should be about.
BUT...oh forget the but part...but nothing ....^{but I want it}

so I'm whiney today and crabby and yeah...I want my boyfriend to want to live with me....and I want to make my way through fire school easier....and I want to stop being a waitress...and I want to have more time with kiddo and have to depend on my parents less when it comes to her...and I want I want I want.....but I cant have...soooo I suppose I should get on with getting ready for work.....go suck up being a servant to the hungry and make things happen.